“to frequently look with love on the friend within” - my memories of a Carthusian
by Rt Revd Dom Alistair Bate OSBA (2015)
I was only about six years old when I first became aware of the Carthusians, due to a strange misunderstanding. Our family pew in Kilternan Parish Church was beneath a stained glass window commemorating “a Carthusian”, one Mr Justice Murphy of Murphystown House. The window included a depiction of the old London Charterhouse and of course I understand now that Justice Murphy attended Charterhouse school, he was not actually a Carthusian monk, which would have been rather strange for an Anglican! Nevertheless, this little misunderstanding became my introduction to Carthusian monasticism.
In my teens I discovered Anglican religious communities and joined one of them when I was nineteen. Here the works of Thomas Merton and Peter Anson became my staple spiritual food and a romantic image of the Charterhouse continued to enchant me. The memories of Fr Colin Stephenson in his autobiography “Merrily on High” also made a huge impression as he recalled childhood excursions into St Hugh’s Charterhouse where he was permitted to listen to the Night Office.
I treasured my name in religion too, Br Hugh, which I assumed to be in honour of St Hugh of Lincoln, the Carthusian, when in fact I think my superior had St Hugh of Cluny in mind. I remain profoundly grateful to the community who took me in and gave me a chance to experience the monastic life at such a young age, but sadly after two years of noviciate I could no longer deal with the loneliness, despite the fact that I yearned to be alone! It is not unusual of course for a young man to be spiritually conflicted and for some of us, regrettably, that conflict lasts a lifetime!
In my teens I discovered Anglican religious communities and joined one of them when I was nineteen. Here the works of Thomas Merton and Peter Anson became my staple spiritual food and a romantic image of the Charterhouse continued to enchant me. The memories of Fr Colin Stephenson in his autobiography “Merrily on High” also made a huge impression as he recalled childhood excursions into St Hugh’s Charterhouse where he was permitted to listen to the Night Office.
I treasured my name in religion too, Br Hugh, which I assumed to be in honour of St Hugh of Lincoln, the Carthusian, when in fact I think my superior had St Hugh of Cluny in mind. I remain profoundly grateful to the community who took me in and gave me a chance to experience the monastic life at such a young age, but sadly after two years of noviciate I could no longer deal with the loneliness, despite the fact that I yearned to be alone! It is not unusual of course for a young man to be spiritually conflicted and for some of us, regrettably, that conflict lasts a lifetime!
Dom Alistair at La Grande Chartreuse, 2014
So, on leaving my community and converting to Roman Catholicism (which in the long run turned out to be a big mistake) I lost no time in applying to the Charterhouse, only to be turned down on the grounds that they do not consider recent converts. In retrospect I can now see that this was very wise, however, that was not the end of the story as for most of the next decade I kept up a correspondence with the Prior, who became a genuine friend and confidant.
I shall call him Dom "Columba", as this was the alias given to him in the book “An Infinity of Little Hours” and it is to that book I would direct any reader whose curiosity may be aroused. He was one of two or three people to whom I have been close, whom I would consider to be saints. A well-educated and cultured Dubliner, former medical doctor and Irish Cistercian monk, we shared a similar cultural background as well as similar devotional and liturgical tastes. He radiated warmth and fraternal affection and was a man so totally conformed to the Gospel that for me he became a living icon of Christ. Of course, I am viewing him retrospectively now, and at the time I could hardly have articulated my feelings. I just knew that I liked and trusted him.
He was a man of his generation and a product of old fashioned Irish Catholicism, which to be honest is not known for its kindness or tolerance, but in those days I was prepared to tow the party line of the church on sexuality and if you tow the party line it doesn’t matter how often you fall as long as you admit your failure to live up to the ideals. So, in a sense I was one of Dom Columba’s “penitents”. He genuinely believed in my vocation and said that he would have loved to receive me at Parkminster as a postulant. Had that happened I doubt whether I might have lasted more than a month or two, however, I did have the rare privilege of spending a few days in the guesthouse on one occasion.
I shall call him Dom "Columba", as this was the alias given to him in the book “An Infinity of Little Hours” and it is to that book I would direct any reader whose curiosity may be aroused. He was one of two or three people to whom I have been close, whom I would consider to be saints. A well-educated and cultured Dubliner, former medical doctor and Irish Cistercian monk, we shared a similar cultural background as well as similar devotional and liturgical tastes. He radiated warmth and fraternal affection and was a man so totally conformed to the Gospel that for me he became a living icon of Christ. Of course, I am viewing him retrospectively now, and at the time I could hardly have articulated my feelings. I just knew that I liked and trusted him.
He was a man of his generation and a product of old fashioned Irish Catholicism, which to be honest is not known for its kindness or tolerance, but in those days I was prepared to tow the party line of the church on sexuality and if you tow the party line it doesn’t matter how often you fall as long as you admit your failure to live up to the ideals. So, in a sense I was one of Dom Columba’s “penitents”. He genuinely believed in my vocation and said that he would have loved to receive me at Parkminster as a postulant. Had that happened I doubt whether I might have lasted more than a month or two, however, I did have the rare privilege of spending a few days in the guesthouse on one occasion.
St Hugh's, the Monastery Church
A Carthusian guesthouse is different from that of other monastic orders in that only family and friends of monks and aspirants to the community are permitted to stay there. Even though technically outside the monastic enclosure, one can, nevertheless, get a strong feel for the reality of Carthusian life from a few days in the guesthouse. Meals are delivered in a box and served in gamelles, the traditional Carthusian covered metal pots and dishes. I will never forget trying my best to eat a piece of fish, a food I have loathed since childhood. Happily after one attempt I was served an omelette on succeeding days. Then there was the extreme cold suffered from standing, for a couple of hours, in a freezing church in the middle of the night. After two nights of this my health gave way as the cold brought on a fever. The Prior blessed me with a relic of St Therese; administered a sugar lump soaked in “the elixer” (the concentrated tincture from which Chartreuse is made) and suggested I go out and chop some wood. I was as right as rain shortly afterwards. Another high light of my time at St Hugh’s was the privilege of serving Mass in the Prior’s chapel. If you are ever in the company of a saint offering the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass it is indeed a memorable event, outwardly quite ordinary perhaps, but inwardly electrifying.
After this visit, Dom Columba and I continued to write periodically and he always had some good advice, such as the following in 1989: … “All of us, in the history of our vocation have had some sacrifice to make in following God’s call. I remember feeling it painful to give up the possibility of intimate human love. Looking back I see how fortunate I was to be called by God. How happy a life devoted to him really is. You notice this especially in old age. Looking back you see how God has led you by a safe path, protecting you all the time. The important thing Alistair is to be faithful to prayer, even if it is difficult and may seem useless. God will always hear your prayer. He will have His own way of answering - He knows what is best for each of us. .. And never be discouraged. If you fall get up again and call out to Jesus to heal you.”
After this visit, Dom Columba and I continued to write periodically and he always had some good advice, such as the following in 1989: … “All of us, in the history of our vocation have had some sacrifice to make in following God’s call. I remember feeling it painful to give up the possibility of intimate human love. Looking back I see how fortunate I was to be called by God. How happy a life devoted to him really is. You notice this especially in old age. Looking back you see how God has led you by a safe path, protecting you all the time. The important thing Alistair is to be faithful to prayer, even if it is difficult and may seem useless. God will always hear your prayer. He will have His own way of answering - He knows what is best for each of us. .. And never be discouraged. If you fall get up again and call out to Jesus to heal you.”
St Hugh's Charterhouse, Parkminster
We spoke frankly about many things, including the apparent inability of gay men to persevere in the Carthusian way of life, though of course Dom Columba had probably never even heard of “gay men” and always referred to “your temperament” or “your problem”, yet never did I feel anything from him but love and acceptance, as can be seen in this letter from 1993, “His (the new Prior’s) judgement is that those with your temperament are not able to persevere in the monastic life. I have to admit that my own experience agrees with this. I have three very dear friends who are homosexual. All three tried their vocation here, but had to leave in the end (one lasted five years!) ... I feel sad at having to write in this way but your peace and happiness are in question.”
I have indeed found peace and happiness in the long run through a form of monastic inspired living which works for me and others like me, and it is still an inspiration to read these old letters which are so full of fraternal warmth, monastic fervour and good advice; ...
I have indeed found peace and happiness in the long run through a form of monastic inspired living which works for me and others like me, and it is still an inspiration to read these old letters which are so full of fraternal warmth, monastic fervour and good advice; ...
My old friend, Dom "Columba"
“….. My dear Alistair, what I’ve written above is mostly concerned with the “practicality” of the case. But God’s grace knows no barriers. I was so pleased to see you mention St Therese. She has been a guiding star of my life ever since I was a child. Her book was my bedside reading. Do you know her letters have been published in two large volumes. I read them a lot. Here is a quote that is a comfort to me in my old age. …. “What pleases Jesus in my soul is that He sees me loving my littleness and my poverty, the blind hope I have in His mercy.” (the underlining is by Therese herself). That is really living in the truth about ourselves. It is humility. “ ….. …. I believe God will work wonders in those who have “blind trust” in Him. I see it in my own poor life - in spite of all my faults He has never let me down. The important thing is to keep praying, to keep at it, to frequently look with love on the friend within" ……
"I am sure that God who loves the whole human race (for whom Christ died), draws individuals together so that they may have the joy of helping one another to salvation and Beatitude with Him for all eternity. This world is an exile. Heaven is our true home. I pray for you and hope you pray for me, that we may be together there, with all we love, for all eternity, embraced in the infinite love of God.
The Holy Spirit is our loving friend all through our life. May he guide you to all truths. The important thing is to keep faithful to prayer. Cassian says that there is one thing that we can always do, and that is to keep at it. We may believe that our prayer is poor and lacking in power. But we can always keep at it. And God has promised to answer important prayer. ..." (Letters, 1994)
Rest in peace dear friend and pray for us!
"I am sure that God who loves the whole human race (for whom Christ died), draws individuals together so that they may have the joy of helping one another to salvation and Beatitude with Him for all eternity. This world is an exile. Heaven is our true home. I pray for you and hope you pray for me, that we may be together there, with all we love, for all eternity, embraced in the infinite love of God.
The Holy Spirit is our loving friend all through our life. May he guide you to all truths. The important thing is to keep faithful to prayer. Cassian says that there is one thing that we can always do, and that is to keep at it. We may believe that our prayer is poor and lacking in power. But we can always keep at it. And God has promised to answer important prayer. ..." (Letters, 1994)
Rest in peace dear friend and pray for us!
RSS Feed
